The Uncomfortable Truth About Boundaries
Boundaries
You're an adult but fell like you can’t say 'no.' So why do you feel a knot in your stomach every time your friend asks for a favor, or your boss sends a late-night email? The answer isn't that you're 'too nice,' it's probably that no one taught you how to set a boundary. Boundaries might seem like rigid walls or harsh lines, but in reality, healthy boundaries are the opposite. They are guides that help us navigate our relationships with ourselves and others in a way that feels safe, respectful, and fulfilling. Without them, it is easy to feel overwhelmed, depleted, and even lost in the weeds of other people’s expectations. Because everyone’s boundaries are unique, yours require clear communication, which is a key part of maintaining that structure.
The Psychology of Boundary Setting
A clear understanding of your values and needs is at the heart of healthy boundaries. What truly matters to you? What makes you feel respected and cared for? When you are clear on these core aspects of yourself, setting boundaries becomes an act of self-love, not selfishness.
For example, if you value honesty and open communication, you might set a boundary with a friend who gossips or withholds information. The boundary validates your need for authenticity in your relationships.
Research shows that boundaries are crucial not only for our relationships but also for our well-being.
They help us:
Communicate our needs clearly
Prevent burnout and resentment
Build trust and respect with others
Create a sense of safety and security in our lives
Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries
You may need to rethink your boundaries with yourself and others if you frequently feel overwhelmed and emotionally drained after interacting with certain people. Some common situations to look out for are:
You struggle to say “no” to requests, even when you do not have the time or energy.
You take responsibility for others’ emotions or try to fix their problems.
You constantly put others’ needs before your own, neglecting your well-being.
You apologize for things that are not your fault, constantly needing to please others.
If any of these resonate with you, it might be time to consider where flexibility is okay, and where a stronger boundary is needed. For many of us, it is challenging to do this on our own, and support can make things easier. As a licensed therapist, I guide people in creating and maintaining healthy boundaries that lead to more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of self.
Types of Boundaries
Boundaries come in various forms, each playing a vital role in our overall well-being. This is not an exhaustive list of boundaries, but it is a good place to start.
Physical Boundaries
Protecting your personal space, your comfort with touch, sexual activity, and your sense of physical safety—these are all part of establishing healthy physical boundaries. It’s important to feel you are in control of your physical self.
Example: You’re at a party, and a friend leans in for a hug. If you’re not comfortable, you can say, “I’d rather do a fist-bump hello today.” Or in a relationship, you might share, “I need to move slowly with physical intimacy. Let’s check in often so we’re both comfortable.”
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries are key to preventing you from feeling drained or overwhelmed by others. They help you manage your feelings and set limits on emotional dumping and oversharing.
Example: A coworker vents to you daily for 30 minutes, leaving you drained. You might gently set a limit: “I care about you, but I don’t have the capacity to talk about this right now. Could we check in tomorrow for a few minutes instead?”
Mental Boundaries
Do you ever feel pressured to conform to others’ opinions? Mental boundaries give you the freedom to think your thoughts, hold your own beliefs, and express your ideas without fear of judgment.
Example: At a family dinner, someone criticizes your views. Instead of debating, you might say, “I respect that we see this differently. Let’s agree to disagree.”
Material Boundaries
Respecting your belongings—and those of others — is essential. Material boundaries help you set clear limits on lending, borrowing, and sharing your possessions.
Example: A friend often asks to borrow your car. You can protect your limit by saying, “I don’t lend out my car, but I’d be happy to help you look into a rental.”
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries are your key to taking control of your to-do list. They empower you to manage your time effectively, prioritize commitments, and confidently say “no” when needed.
Example: A colleague invites you to join a late-night meeting, but it clashes with your rest needs. You might respond, “I’m not available after 7 p.m., but I can meet first thing tomorrow.”
Digital Boundaries
In today’s world, digital boundaries are more important than ever. They are the key to protecting your privacy, sexual activities, managing your online interactions, and maintaining a healthy relationship with technology.
Example: A friend keeps texting late at night. You can silence notifications after 9 p.m. and later explain, “I unplug in the evenings to recharge, but I will respond to you in the morning.”
How to Set Effective Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel challenging, especially if it’s new to you. After gaining clarity on your values, here are a few key steps to get you started:
Identify and communicate: get clear on your needs and limits, and communicate them assertively yet respectfully.
Start small: begin with less challenging boundaries and gradually build up your confidence.
Be consistent: Consistency reinforces your boundaries and helps others understand your expectations.
Practice self-care: prioritize your well-being to support your ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Overcoming Challenges
Setting boundaries often isn’t easy. It can stir up guilt, self-doubt, or even resistance from others. Sometimes, family or cultural expectations make it feel like saying no is a betrayal. For example, in families where putting others first is a sign of love, carving out space for your own needs may feel selfish, even when it’s necessary for your well-being.
You might also worry about how others will perceive you: “Will they think I don’t care?” or “Will they stop inviting me if I say no?” These fears are valid, but they don’t have to define your choices.
Here are some ways to navigate those moments of discomfort:
Acknowledge the guilt without letting it drive your decisions. Guilt often shows up when we’re breaking old patterns. Guilt can signal that you’re growing by practicing something new.
Expect pushback, but stay grounded. When people are used to you always saying yes, they may resist at first. A friend might say, “But you always help me with this!” This doesn’t mean that your friend doesn’t care about you; it’s a sign you’re changing and they are having a hard time adjusting. Over time, consistent boundaries usually lead to more respect.
Root yourself in your values. Boundaries aren’t about cutting people off and making rules for others; they’re about protecting what matters most. If your value is being a present parent, you might decline extra projects at work so you can show up for family dinners. If your value is health, you may block off time for rest or exercise even if others don’t understand.
Lean on scripts and practice. Having a phrase ready can reduce anxiety at the moment. For example:
“I can’t take this on right now, but I hope it goes well.”
“I care about you, and I need to take some time for myself today.”
Seek supportive communities. Surround yourself with people who respect your limits and model healthy boundaries. This can help you feel less alone and remind you that boundary-setting is a sign of self-respect.
Over time, practicing boundaries shifts the way you see yourself—you’ll notice a growing sense of self-trust, peace, and confidence. The temporary discomfort is the bridge to more authentic, respectful, and balanced relationships.
Conclusion
Boundaries are essential ingredients for personal growth, a fulfilling life, and thriving relationships. They empower you to protect your well-being, honor your values, and create a life that feels truly authentic. If you are struggling to set healthy boundaries on your own, reach out. I’d be happy to support you.
Cynthia Dimon, LCSW
In-person therapy in Oakland and online therapy in California
Licensed Mental Health Therapist in Oakland, CA
Specializing in therapy for women navigating anxiety, depression, and burnout.
www.cynthiadimon.com
therapy@cynthiadimon.com
References and Resources
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. Penguin.
Cornell Health. (2019, October 18). Assertive communication. https://health.cornell.edu/sites/health/files/pdf-library/assertive-communication-skills.pdf
Providence. (n.d.). Values and their importance in ACT [Handout]. Providence St. Joseph Health. https://www.providence.org/-/media/project/psjh/providence/or/files/act-group-handouts/values-and-thier-importance-in-act.pdf
Manske, J., & Manske, J. (2005). Needs wheel [Diagram]. peaceworks. https://nvcnextgen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Needs-Wheel.pdf
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