Is Perfectionism Your Friend or Frenemy?
Perfectionism Is a Coping Strategy (And It’s Exhausting)
As a therapist working with high-achieving women and professionals, I often hear people describe perfectionism as the secret to their success. Color coded study guides in college. Over prepared presentations. Saying yes to every responsibility.
At first, these habits were praised. But for many, perfectionism has quietly betrayed them.
Over time, the same drive that once helped them excel now creates chronic anxiety, burnout, and self-doubt. Deadlines get missed from overthinking every possible mistake. Rest feels like it has to be earned. Relationships feel performative. And worst of all, no amount of achievement ever really feels like “enough.”
We’re Not Born Perfectionists
Perfectionism isn’t a personality trait, it’s a coping strategy. As a therapist in Oakland who specializes in anxiety and perfectionism, I’ve seen how perfectionism often forms in response to conditional love, high expectations, or trauma.
We learn to equate our worth with performance:
Get the grades = being worthy
Look polished = being lovable
Make no mistakes = being capable
Over time, perfectionism becomes armor. It protects us from shame, judgment, and vulnerability, but at a high cost.
The Research Is Clear
According to studies, perfectionism is strongly linked to low self-worth, anxiety, and depression (Harari et al., 2018; Smith et al., 2020). It often shows up as:
Unrealistic standards
Self-criticism after minor mistakes
Procrastination from fear of failure
Exhaustion from overextending and overthinking
This cycle creates emotional burnout, relationship strain, and a sense of helplessness that feels hard to escape.
Perfectionism Is a Way to Avoid Pain
Your brain is wired to protect you from discomfort. For perfectionists, this often sounds like:
“If I meet all my goals, then I’ll finally be happy.”
“If I look polished, no one will know I’m overwhelmed.”
“If I don’t make mistakes, they’ll believe I’m good at what I do.”
Women, especially BIPOC, first-generation, or highly educated professionals often feel the need to over-perform just to feel seen or respected.
You Might Be a Perfectionist If…
You rewrite emails multiple times, and still spiral after clicking “send”
You feel guilty when resting or relaxing
You procrastinate because the task feels too high-stakes
You over-prepare or over-apologize for everyday interactions
You take constructive feedback as confirmation that you’re failing
“But Isn’t Having High Standards a Good Thing?”
Yes, and…
Being thoughtful, ambitious, and reliable is wonderful. But perfectionism becomes harmful when:
Your worth is tied to outcomes
You sacrifice well-being to meet unrealistic goals
You feel you have to earn joy, rest, or respect
Two Common Types of Perfectionism
Understanding your perfectionism style can be the first step in changing it:
Excellence Seeking Perfectionism
You believe you must be flawless. If you fall short, your sense of worth collapses.Failure Avoiding Perfectionism
You believe others expect perfection from you. Any mistake feels like exposure or rejection.
In both styles, fear, not drive, is what’s behind the behavior.
How to Escape the Perfectionist Cycle
1. Start With Awareness
Where does perfectionism show up most? Work? Parenting? Social media?
Notice it without judgment. Naming the pattern creates space for change.
2. Shift From Perfect to Honest
Being honest about your capacity lets you plan more realistically, and protects your nervous system from constant stress. Clarity builds true competence.
3. Separate Identity From Accomplishments
Say it with me:
“I am more than what I accomplish. I don’t have to earn my worth.”
Rest, joy, and self-trust are birthrights.
4. Let Good Enough Be Enough
You don’t need to agonize over every word or detail. “B’s and C’s get degrees,” as they say.
Sometimes sharing the imperfect draft is what moves things forward.
Therapy Can Help You Untangle This
Unlearning perfectionism is brave and a little terrifying at first. But on the other side is something better than perfect: peace, clarity, and freedom.
In therapy, we’ll explore:
Where your perfectionism started
What it’s been protecting
And how to relate to yourself with curiosity, not criticism
You deserve to feel loved, grounded, and enough without proving anything.
Getting Support
If this resonates, I invite you to connect. I specialize in therapy for women and professionals struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, and burnout. I offer online therapy throughout California and in-person sessions in Oakland.
References:
Harari, Y. N., Swann, W. B., & Arkin, R. M. (2018). Self-worth and perfectionism. Journal of Personality Assessment, 100(2), 205–214.
Smith, M. M., et al. (2020). Perfectionism and psychological distress: A meta-analysis and review. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(1), 1–21.
Flett, G. L., et al. (2022). The destructiveness and public health significance of socially prescribed perfectionism. Clinical Psychology Review, 93, 102130.
Cynthia Dimon, LCSW
Licensed Therapist in Oakland, CA – Serving Rockridge, Temescal, Berkeley & Online Across California
Specializing in therapy for adults, teens, and couples navigating anxiety, depression, and burnout.
cynthiadimon.com
