Perfectionism Isn’t a Personality Trait, It’s a Coping Strategy (And It’s Exhausting)
You were probably praised for it.
The perfectly color-coded notes, the A’s, the extra effort, the ability to stay calm under pressure.
But here’s a quiet truth that rarely gets named:
Perfectionism isn’t just about high standards, it’s about safety.
Perfectionism Isn’t Who You Are.
It’s What You Learned.
As a licensed mental health therapist in Oakland, I often see people who believe perfectionism is a fixed part of their personality. But perfectionism is actually a coping strategy or a pattern that forms when we’ve been taught (explicitly or not) that our worth depends on performance, control, or constant achievement. When someone has endured interpersonal trauma or experienced conditional love, perfectionism can become a way to feel safe, accepted, or protected.
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Perfectionism means holding yourself to relentless standards and feeling critical or ashamed of yourself or others when those standards aren’t met. There’s nothing wrong with caring deeply. But research shows that perfectionism is strongly tied to low self-worth and mental health challenges like anxiety and depression (Harari et al., 2018). Perfectionism can also make us feel helpless and like we lack control over our lives. It can also cause us to have unrealistic expectations in relationships and in seeking romantic partners due to the fact that both people and relationships are inherently imperfect.
Perfectionism is an attempt to avoid pain, rejection and vulnerability, the parts of life that are inevitable.
We don’t choose to strive for perfectionism because it’s fun. We develop it in response to early experiences of chaos, criticism, or conditional acceptance.
“If I don’t make mistakes, I won’t be rejected.”
“If everything looks polished, no one will know I’m overwhelmed.”
“If I’m constantly productive, I’ll finally feel enough.”
“If I meet all my goals, then I can finally be happy.”
In fact, research shows that self-critical perfectionism is closely linked to anxiety and depression, especially among women and BIPOC professionals who feel they have to over-perform just to be seen as competent (Smith et al., 2020).
You Might Be a Perfectionist If…
You rewrite emails multiple times and still spiral after clicking send.
You have a never-ending to-do list and feel guilty when you rest.
You over prepare, overthink, or do the most in everyday interactions.
You procrastinate, not because you’re lazy, but because tasks feel so high-stakes that you freeze.
Does that resonate with you? In my therapy practice, I work with women who carry the invisible weight of imposter syndrome cloaked with perfectionism. Outwardly, they seem in control. Internally, they’re anxious, depleted, and disconnected from the joy they’ve worked so hard to earn.
Isn’t Having High Standards a Good Thing?
Yes, and…
Being thoughtful, reliable, and ambitious are powerful traits. But perfectionism crosses a line when:
Your worth feels tied to what you accomplish.
Your self-talk turns cruel or punishing.
Rest and joy feel like things you have to earn.
In therapy, we often explore two common types of perfectionism:
Excellence-seeking perfectionism: You expect yourself to be flawless. When you fall short, your sense of worth collapses.
Failure-avoiding perfectionism: You believe others expect perfection from you. Any mistake feels like exposure or failure.
In both cases, it’s not the desire to do well that’s harmful, it’s the fear beneath it.
How to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip
1. Start with self-reflection
Where does perfectionism show up the most in your life? In emails? Your appearance? Parenting? Your social media? Starting to notice when you’re shifting into perfectionist mode can be the first act of compassion. Awareness allows you to pause and ask, What am I afraid might happen if I let go just a little? Naming the pattern gives you space to choose something different.
2. Shift from “perfect” to “honest”
What would it feel like to send a message that’s simply true, not perfect? Or to let yourself say, “I’m not sure,” instead of powering through? Being honest builds real connection and gives your nervous system a break from constant performance. The world needs your genuine presence.
3. Separate identity from output
You are more than your to-do list, what you produce or accomplish. When you start to practice this separation, even just a little, you open space for rest, joy, and self-worth that isn’t conditional. You don’t have to earn your value because you were born a valuable human being.
4. Say it with me: B’s and C’s get degrees
Sometimes “good enough” is enough. You don’t have to agonize over every detail for it to be valid or valuable. Sending the email to your cousin or showing a draft to a friend for feedback, is often what moves us forward. Practice releasing something before it’s flawless. That’s where acceptance grows.
Therapy Can Help You Untangle This
If you’ve spent years trying to be perfect, unlearning perfectionism can feel terrifying. But it’s possible and you don’t have to do it alone.
Therapy gives you a space to explore where these patterns began, what they’ve been protecting, and how to relate to yourself with compassion instead of criticism. Together, we can build something softer, more flexible, and more sustainable.
And I’ll say this as both a therapist and a human:
You are allowed to be loved, respected, and at peace, even if you don’t get it all right.
References
Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., Nepon, T., Sherry, S. B., & Smith, M. (2022). The destructiveness and public health significance of socially prescribed perfectionism: A review, analysis, and conceptual extension. Clinical psychology review, 93, 102130.
Harari, Y. N., Swann, W. B., & Arkin, R. M. (2018). Self-worth and perfectionism. Journal of Personality Assessment, 100(2), 205–214. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223891.2017.1300928
Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Rnic, K., Saklofske, D. H., Enns, M. W., & Gralnick, T. M. (2020). Perfectionism and psychological distress: A meta-analysis and review. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(1), 1–21.https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22881
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Cynthia Dimon, LCSW
Licensed Therapist in Oakland, CA – Serving Rockridge, Temescal, Berkeley & Online Across California
Specializing in therapy for adults, teens, and couples navigating anxiety, depression, and burnout.
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